Roads To Leave By

“I still don’t understand, Carrie – why do you want to go down … there?”

Nadine looks at me like she has just discovered that I am really an impostor – not the study mate she has known from Ohio State’s law school for over a year now.

“It’s not the Dark Side of the Moon or something, Di.”

I keep walking, clutching my bag tightly. I want to walk just a little faster than her, and then I can’t — because some damn bus stops right before we reach the crossing and a million people pour out in front of us.

” – You asked what I thought about it,” she retaliates.

Bus away. Nadine walks more briskly, getting a little bit ahead of me.

She is irritated. Big surprise. Since I started this conversation – (I dunno exactly why) – it’s become more and more an argument – me against her.

“I just thought you should know,” I try feebly. “After all, you have to find a new study mate in good time before the examen. And… and… ”

“Right. Thanks,” she scoffs; no intention of hiding what she really feels about my decision. “Look, I can understand that you are shocked and everything and this must be incredibly, terrible and – and I can’t really imagine – and  – ” … she casts me a glance I can’t quite interpret – ” … but is it really the right thing to burn all bridges and hitch-hike 3000 miles because of h- ”

“It’s not about her!” Continue reading

Betrayed As One Gets Free

I was eleven the first time I died. And it’s okay, if you hate me for not having told you before.

Forgive me. I know I should have talked about it more, more about what happened back then. Not just gloss it over.

But I couldn’t. I mean, I’ve been fighting so damn hard to try to forget, to move on. But each day I think about … what if I had opened up a little more, been a little more honest with you about what happened to me at that occasion?

Maybe it would have made the difference. Maybe it would have been the one thing of all the thousands of things I said that would have made the difference.

Then maybe you’d not have … Maybe you’d have understood – really understood – not just said you understood … that I knew exactly how you felt – and realized that you weren’t so alone as you thought with … it.

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