As you grow older, you realize that life is just about managing problems, as Sylvester Stallone once said in an interview. So … let’s manage!

The first thing to do is to accept that you can never really reach a point where “everything is solved”.

Yes, there will always be unsolvables. If nothing else, there’s the fact that you’re going to grow older, weaker, and eventually die.

I mean, that is a little bit of a problem, isn’t it?

At this point in my life, I’ve thought about a number of ways to deal with this reality. I am older and more likely to have health problems, my parents are approaching their 80s and live far away, my mother-in-law has Parkinson’s, and of course, I have a special needs child who will need care even after I’m gone. (And while setting all of this up from scratch because my finances are in the drain, I have to take care of my other family, too, and myself.)

And many other things. There is seldom a quiet moment, and if there is, it might be used to battle some kind of anxiety, so I can even function.

But the common denominator is that most of these aren’t really solvable problems—they’re conditions I have to navigate. Well, except for the anxiety, I guess. And maybe making my son a little more capable before we leave this planet, like … teaching him to talk?

But there are no guarantees. And some if it, like the age and chronic illness stuff, that’s only going to go one way. So: Unsolvable problems. And they mount up as time passes.

You likely have some, too. Or you will have.

So here, on top of my head, are the strategies I have cultivated over the years. I am not perfect at them, and they might not work for everyone, but some of them will surely work for most people. I am convinced of that – so let’s run through them:

1. Training yourself to take breaks

One way to handle this is compartmentalization: training yourself to focus on something else. You shouldn’t suppress your fears and worries all the time, but you can train yourself to set them aside for a while so you can recharge. Just like you train at the gym. It is hard and takes time, but it can be done.

Like, start with, “I’m gonna worry for half an hour and then leave this aside for 1 hour to do something else”.

That’s one of the best approaches I have because the mind automatically rebels if you try to suppress something you are anxious about. It is much easier to train it to take breaks.

2. Train yourself not to react

Another is learning not to react—to meditate, letting emotions and thoughts flow through you without resistance. This also takes training, but it’s doable and gives your mind and soul a break, sometimes even bringing insights. I know it sounds weird, but trust me on this one.

Meditation is generally all about just letting your thoughts flow but not reacting to them, and it works. It gives you a break from angsting while you are doing it, and it makes you more emotionally resilient when you are not doing it. There are a number of traditions and whatnot, and I honestly don’t know much about them. I just lie down and try to “empty my mind”, maybe watch a nature video or some such.

That’s all there is to it. But as with taking breaks, it’s the training and persistence that work.

3. Train yourself to accept things

Then there’s discernment: figuring out what you can do something about, both the big problems like illness and the smaller ones like an irascible neighbor who plays loud music. If you can reduce the number of smaller problems, you have more energy for the big ones. It’s a difficult art, but necessary.

And yes, then there’s training in acceptance of the things you can’t change after you’ve discerned what they are. So these are kind of two sides of the same coin. You can’t accept some things, like being beaten by your partner or not eating, so you have to discern first what is important, and surprisingly few things are … really important.

We – I – put a lot of energy into things that I am worried or angry about that don’t matter. So sifting them out is important. And then, when there are the leftovers, so to speak, they are usually very important things which I can’t change, whether it is my son’s autism or that people will keep doing all over the world because other people are stupid and cruel, no matter how much money I donate to the Red Cross. Stuff like that. And very hard stuff, but also very necessary to accept.

So discern what you need not to worry about or be pissed off about, like your neighbor breaking the parking rules again.

Collect the stuff you can solve and put it in one box, like getting those bills paid on time.

And put the rest, the unsolvable and usually important stuff, in a third box, something where you train yourself to accept it. Don’t get these boxes mixed up!

4. Train yourself to be more spiritual

Yeah, it’s counter-intuitive, I guess. Either you believe or you don’t, right?

No, I don’t think so. There is plenty of evidence of a spiritual side to the world, such as near-death experiences, which should and ought to force you to at least consider that life is not “just a bitch, and then we die”.

That there might be more, including help from … well, somewhere greater than the physical world. So I will also mention the spiritual anchor here: the support, the scaffolding that you can cultivate if you’re open to it. 

This helps you sense that you can work to find satisfying answers for the following:

1) there’s meaning to everything, or to most things that happen,
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2) and that there’s help available to get you through even if you can’t solve the problem.
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3) There’s some kind of light at the end of the tunnel, some hope that eventually you’ll get through. If nothing else, to another life on the other side of this one.

And that’s what spirituality is about in its essence. I think.

So: Be open that there may be answers to these three pops, instead of just brushing them all off as superstition!

Of course, it varies depending on whether you’re open to it. It’s not for everyone. 

But if it is for you, then it’s something you should cultivate more as you get older. 

It can be a tremendous support. Really.

5. Train yourself to connect

Another strategy I have worked with is some form of compensation, doing something in your life that compensates emotionally and mentally for the things that are disruptive and cause anxiety. 

The bad choice here is substance abuse—alcohol or whatever—which many people turn to. But I mean healthy compensation. 

There’s an old saying that it’s always easier to bear something if you bear it together with others, not alone. 

So seek out networks: people you can share your situation with (other special needs parents, for example), or just good friends and family you can spend quality time with when you’re not worried about your various problems.

This alone can give your life a quality that, in ideal circumstances, makes you feel that your problems aren’t as detrimental as they objectively are, even if you have some kind of chronic illness.

I think this works because true, quality human connections make us feel alive on a fundamental level that no illness or other physical, social, or economic situation can really destroy, as long as we remember to cultivate them. I also believe this is why loneliness is said to be a bigger killer for elderly people than many physical illnesses.

So, real people are always better than substances. Or TV. Or the internet. Or … anything like that. Get connected the best you can. It is also a tremendous support.

6. Train yourself to find meaning

The last thing I can think of is related but qualitatively different: meaningful activity or purpose. 

You could call it anchoring or balancing. It’s like having some kind of project that can anchor and balance you, something you have control over, versus the things you don’t.

Maybe even something you can leave behind that will be useful for others when you’re no longer here. It doesn’t need to be particularly lofty, just as long as you can assign it meaning, whether it’s writing a book, doing volunteer work, finishing a thesis, or traveling the world. It doesn’t need to be altruistic, just some kind of project with deep personal meaning.

But I would say that in my experience, the more there’s a component of doing something that benefits others (to the extent you have the surplus), the better you can benefit from the feeling of carrying out this work.

The better the anchoring it gives you, the greater the sense of balance and fulfillment, and the more energy you have to stand upright and be resilient when things get rough, whether related to illness, family, difficult socioeconomic situations, or other problems.

If you have a creative side, it can keep you going even when you’re in a chronically financially insecure situation, and then you don’t deposit your whole identity in having a particular job. But it could also be other hobbies or projects.

It’s important to have a job and earn money, which goes without saying. But the people who are really hurt by unemployment are those who deposit most of their identity in having a job. So try to avoid doing that.

The central point is that at any time, it can be an advantage to have some meaningful project that’s as resistant as possible to whatever can change in life—something you can do even if you’re unemployed, divorced, or in a wheelchair. That’s something that has carried me through many dark times. For me, of course, it’s writing and sharing stories with others.

So, on that note, here is this newsletter’s … featured story from the archive:

Joan in the Dark

This story I was particularly proud of, and it was originally intended for a magazine, but I never got around to sending it in, so it’s just here on the blog. It’s about trying to find meaning and heavy stuff like that, even in a dark situation, so I feel it is kinda fitting for this post’s topic. Anyway …

That’s all – for now

This post could have filled a whole book. Not only could I say a lot more about each item, but of course, I could – and should – also say more about my personal situation. How do I use this in my life? When does it work? When doesn’t it?

And I guess I will, but this has already become a lot longer than I wanted, so it will have to wait for future posts. Then we’ll do a dive or two in some of the topics I have listed here.

I’m just doing this when I have the time and energy now, and inspiration, so who knows how it will be and when. Maybe it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I hope you got some kind of overview and maybe inspiration out of this.

For your life.

So … Feel free to ask questions or maybe post some of your own experiences, okay?

What do you do to deal with the problems that can’t be “solved” – what do you do to just keep on, and keep your spirit up?